Anonymous asked: I went on a first date with someone who seemed great- successful, extremely smart, well-dressed and kind. But he is very unattractive, I'm not sure if the chemistry will ever be there- do I push it anyway?
My verdict: you need no advice because this lovely hirsute man already lost your number.
I‘m sure you’ve gotten tons of advice on this subject already ranging from “love is all you need” to “he’ll grow on you” to “the green card process doesn’t take that long after your wedding day” to “everyone gets old and fat”. I’m not here to give you bland, timeless advice. I’m here to give you the reality.
The fact is- you’re superficial. Maybe you think you’re not because you can close your eyes very tightly when you kiss him, but you are. It looks like you highly value money (successful), status (well-dressed, extremely smart), and good manners (kind). Perhaps if this guy shows up to your next date wearing faded jeans and takes you to a sports bar, you might completely reconsider him as an option.
Since you are superficial, and I cannot change that, I suggest you welcome your superficiality with open arms! I have! Let’s be besties! The best person to guide you through your reincarnation to full the land of the stepford is Lucille Bluth (from Arrested Development - duh, anyone who considers themselves extremely smart and with it has to watch this show.) Here are some Lucille-isms:
“I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.”
“I don’t criticize you. But if you’re worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense.”
“Luz [the housekeeper], that coat costs more than your house!” “Oh that’s how we joke, [Michael], she doesn’t even have a house.”
[Hi, mom! Good news, I have the entire afternoon free.] Oh really? Did “nothing” cancel?
" Where is the line between being extremely obnoxious and being outgoing and friendly when meeting new people? What are sure signs you’ve gone wrong? "
The line between being extremely obnoxious and simply being outgoing depends upon who you are trying to impress. Not everyone has the same litmus test when it comes to obnoxicity.
Some people enjoy a restrained approach and would judge you for any outspokenness; others would look at the same demure behavior and declare you a milquetoasty smear of blandness.
So the answer is to never allow yourself to meet any “new” people. That’s right, you should vet all possible future acquaintances using social media before you decide how to proceed with presenting yourself. And don’t tell me that you can be surprised by a meeting! Upon being introduced, simply feign an important phone call after you get their name and google away in the bathroom. Duh.
This way you can control how people see you…and the world.
Well, as a particularly harsh (AKA I’m a social elite) judge of obnoxiousness, I say that if you see people doing the moonwalk away from you, you’ve faux pas-ed.
Trust me, if people are fleeing your presence, it’s all your fault. All of it! It’s never that, say, they have to go to the bathroom. Jeez, where were you in pre-school where we learned these things?!
OK, OK, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps you’ve become confused over the years. Places like college, sporting events, and bars encourage extremely obnoxious behavior - ESPECIALLY if you are a white female. So I can see that society is sending you mixed messages. Being a teenager already guaranteed that you were wildly obnoxious, so you may have lost your radar too long ago.
Obnoxiousness takes many forms in life. I am, for example, extremely judgmental, which is exactly what I should be like as a perfect, well-off still young woman. If I was to go around and TELL people my very critical opinions about their failures, they would find me obnoxious, so I just hide them under my pursed lips and pointy nose. See? There’s a way to contain it. Email us for more info: firstname.lastname@example.org.